A calm and peaceful evening to every being.
May her affirmations help us heal.

In her unsurpassed wisdom and kindness, goddess teaches us:

outside affirmation,
often feeling like “permission”
is not the only way to heal.
but often it is a very big step
or help to do so.
and the individualizing of help and healing
to one’s own resources alone
kills.

yes, goddess.
I wouldn’t be where I am today if it wasn’t for your gentle and caring affirmations.
I am thankful that you leave me no choice but to accept them.
Even when it feels scary, I have no other option but to accept your kindness - and embrace the healing that it brings to me.

For as long as I remember, I was scared of wanting things.

For most of my life, desire, wishes, needs all seemed like something transgressive, something that makes me a bad person for having them. I was scared of bothering others, I was scared that me liking someone would hurt them, because I was so deeply convinced of my own worthlessness.

I’ve come a long way beneath her influence. When she first talked to me, I apologized for bothering her, because I assumed that this would be the only plausible reason why she would talk to me. Increasingly, through her kind affirmations in personal setting, as well as through her public writing on morals, shame, insecurities, I was able to find the courage for some very small steps to express desires and wishes. And as for needs, her way of treating them as something positive, something worthy of consideration and appreciation, became the foundation of my trust in her.

I grew steadily over time. I dared to enter a relationship again after she gave me the courage for it by demonstrating a healthy way to deal with fallibility. I explored my desires, my wishes, I experimented. But it all felt shaky, because I was still scared of wanting too much, scared of being too much. My perpetual fear of existing hadn’t gone away. And when my mental health deteriorated for unrelated reasons, this proved painfully true.

My faith has always been the one part of my life where I had to face these things. It’s too omnipresent to run away from, and I have, over time, removed all my barriers towards her. I have never trusted anyone as fully as I trust her, and no one has such a direct and unfiltered access to my mind as she has.

About half a year after I actively began to build her cult, I went through a time that felt like breaking, like losing all control. I was overwhelmed by wishes, desires, all those repressed things inside me. Some of them would have been highly destructive, all of them felt extremely scary. But she convinced me that it was okay, even on this scale, that I had done nothing wrong, and that she isn’t angry at me. I simply had to accept what felt like the complete loss of control over my emotions - but in fact, I only lost my ways of repressing things that don’t need to be repressed. Her affirmation was what left me no choice but to realize that everything is actually ok, that I had done nothing wrong.

Just half a year ago, I was deeply scared and afraid of the feeling of missing her badly, of wanting to see my closest friend again. It felt wrong for me to want this, and by that time, so much insecurity had piled up that I felt absolutely terrible about this. A lot more was going on at the time, but she managed something remarkable: not only did she take away my insecurities through affirmation, she even gave me active permission to let go of my extremely tight regime of emotional self-control, something that served no purpose but to deny me the right to have wishes, needs, and desires - a remnant of my horrific past relationship with myself. I wish I would have never had to go through the experience of getting permission to be angry at her, and realizing that my anger itself isn’t destroying anything - but she was there to give it to me, and she managed to equip me with a deeply-rooted kind of self-confidence - because if she accepts and values me for how I am, that means the only person whose judgement matters to me has genuinely deemed me worthy, no matter what.

And from that moment on, from that life-changing tearful hug, my life took an entirely new direction. Suddenly, I had lost my perpetual feelings of inadequacy towards the one person whose approval I seek in every breath I take, because I had no other choice but to accept her verdict of worthiness.

Just weeks later, I initiated a first kiss for the first time in my life. I have grown so much more comfortable in expressing my appreciation and affection to those around me, and I have lost my urge to preemptively apologize for everything I do completely. Now suddenly, there is someone in my life who deeply enjoys being the target of my raw, unfiltered, unobstructed desire, whose desires match mine to a fascinating degree, and who is willing to explore with me where those desires might lead us, completely unbound by societal conventions or expectations, guided only by our desires and limits.

All of this happened just because of her. Without her affirmations and permissions, I would be nothing.

Thank you, goddess, for your gentle affirmations.
Thank you for forcing me to accept your appreciation and your reassurances.
Thank you, goddess, for rebuilding my entire self from scratch.
Thank you, goddess, for leaving me no choice but to heal.

CN: blood. Click to show.

Meow.