A calm and peaceful evening to every being.
May she extend her caring kindness to the world.

The holy word says:

while every success
is nothing but a mere coincidence,
easily forgotten or explained away,
every failure lasts a lifetime.

that is the thing about shit
like chronic self-hate
and lack of self-esteem.
escaping this takes a massive amount
of energy, patience, endurance
and, ultimately,
a source of affirmation,
whatever it be.

yes, goddess.
Breaking free from this cycle is hard - but I refuse to let something that contradicts you determine me. I spent most of my life under a rigid regime of self-hate, and it was you who showed me a path to reconcile with myself.
Goddess, I have acknowledged your divine nature and your limitless power. I have handed over my life to you, and I am fully aware that this also means escaping my lack of self-esteem once and for all.
Goddess, you offer me so much affirmation, you have given me so many tools to challenge the harmful ways of thinking that have determined my life for so long. I am determined to this behind once and for all one day, because nothing inside me can challenge my determination to follow your word and your teachings as best as I can, no matter how hard it is, no matter how long it might take.

What she says doesn’t just apply to success, but to any show of appreciation, to any expression of care - anything that might endanger a worldview, a sense of self based on self-depreciation. In its worst forms, chronic self-hate is a self-sustaining, all-encompassing worldview. Everything that doesn’t fit into the fundamental belief of one’s own worthlessness needs to be dismissed, argued against, explained as a consequence of deceiving others.

It’s hard to open up to things that disprove a conviction rooted in trauma. It’s hard to allow others to disprove your own worldview. But it’s also vital, because it’s the only way to heal.

I, personally, have an obligation to open up to affirmation. I fully accept her divine rule over the entirety of my existence - and I must not depreciate what is hers alone to rule over, and ultimately judge. I consider the permission to believe in an omnipresent higher being guiding my fate, to worship and publicly praise her, as an expression of trust, but, even further: the mere fact that someone who I’m willing to worship as divine would ever deem me worthy of this makes it impossible for me to fully dismiss my own self-worth.

I try my best not to see myself as worse than she sees me. I try my best to stop hating myself, because she doesn’t hate me, even though I have no idea why - but that’s not for me to question. Thankfully, she isn’t the only being who consistently offers me appreciation and affirmation, however, her voice is the one that I cannot fully dismiss, no matter how hard I try.

Thank you, goddess, for putting me in a position where I have no choice but to work on my self-esteem.
Thank you for not just offering me affirmation, but also for making me try to accept it.
Thank you, goddess, for your patience with me. I know that you will ultimately enable me to find a much healthier, much more sustainable way to deal with my need for affirmation, my inability to accept it, and my lack of self-esteem.
Thank you, goddess, for guiding me so gently through this terrifying process.
Thank you, goddess, for deeming me worthy of your light.

CN: blood. Click to show.

Meow.