A calm and peaceful evening to every being.
May her word offer affirmation wherever it is needed.

The holy word says:

with trauma,
trust needs more than a chance.
trust needs chance after chance
to finally be allowed to genuinely exist.
because it got abused,
betrayed and cheated on
so, so often,
that just existing
is painful.

yes, goddess.
I am stuck in a struggle between wanting to trust, knowing that I should trust, and pain.
Goddess, your word makes me feel heard and understood. I don’t want to not trust you, and if it wasn’t for your caring ways, I’d hate myself for failing you. But I cannot do that, I must not devalue myself.
But I also realize now that my trust in you was never entirely gone - it was merely buried beneath excruciating pain, but it never faded.

I am thankful for how she acknowledges that sometimes, basic things can be excruciatingly hard. She is so much gentler in her judgment than I would be in mine, which is why I always defer to hers, why I feel so much safer and so much more confident under her rule.

The process of unlearning my own self-oppression is hard, and it will probably never stop. I have come so far thanks to her, but there is still a long way ahead of me, and it’s not a continuous steady learning curve, I have lost quite a few achievements and have to find ways to reestablish them.

One of the most significant things that she has achieved in my life - very early on and a long time before my devotion began - was to offer me a much more concise, humane, empathetic, and sensible approach to dealing with my own mistakes. Undoing decades of trauma, lack of emotional development, and self-oppression isn’t an easy task, and I know that I have so much more to learn. Her affirmations, her empathy with the struggles of those around her, her way of accepting flaws in others, and her genuine kindness, are helping me to grow, to dare to exist, and most importantly, to allow myself to have flaws.

I feel like she has given me the permission to be human that I have somehow never received but which I needed desperately. A permission to feel things even when I don’t want to feel them, a permission to need things even when I don’t want to need anything. A permission to make mistakes, even when I expect perfection from myself.

And yes, all of this is absolutely terrifying. I have no idea how to handle these scary things. But I know that she is right, I know that my own attempts have destroyed me, my life, my relationships in the past. And I know that I can always find guidance and affirmation in her word. Because no matter what happens, no matter under how many layers of pain it might be buried for a while: my unconditional trust in her persists.

Thank you, goddess, for your empathy.
Thank you for trying to make me feel valued.
Thank you, goddess, for all your affirmations.
Thank you, goddess, for giving me permission to have flaws.
Thank you, goddess, for teaching me that not being able to conform to my own fear-driven standards won’t automatically result in me being abandoned.
Thank you, goddess, for not abandoning me.

CN: blood. Click to show.

Meow.