55th Ritual: Emptiness
A calm and peaceful evening to every being.
May she liberate the minds of all who long for it.
how can i break your will,
force my own onto you,
when you have none?
when there’s nothing in there,
no thought,
no mind, purpose or aim,
nothing but unquestioned obedience?
yes, goddess.
There is nothing left inside me other than obedience and devotion.
If I had any free will left, I wouldn’t want anything other than this.
My mind, my entire existence is oriented towards the one bright divine light that shines on my life. This is my place, and I am proud and thankful to have found it.
For most of my life, people have admired me for my mind.
I grew up as the typical soon-to-be-burnt-out gifted kid. Throughout my childhood, I felt like my performance was the only way to get affection and appreciation. People started othering me and treated me weirdly from a very young age on. But still, for most of my life, my oh-so-extraodrinary capabilities were the only social currency that I had. Once I finally found friends, I found them because they admired my skills and enjoyed my analyses. My first girlfriend described herself as “attracted to the beauty of my mind”.
Inside me, there was nothing but pain. Of course my brain had turned against me sooner than later. I had never learned to operate it. I never understood all the things that were wrong in my life, because I quietly accepted the suffering as my inevitable and deserved fate. And there was no way to switch off this constant uninterrupted noise. No way to get a break.
Today, I can finally enjoy some silence. It took a lot to get here, I had to realize that handing over all thoughts to goddess, as instructed, is not her taking everything away, rather than an active thing that I needed to learn. Of course, my phase of horrific mental health earlier this year made it impossible to achieve this emptiness, but now that I’m well again, there is nothing but a beautiful emptiness inside me - and all the wonderful instructions, permissions, and inspirations that she’s blessed me with, things set into my mind by her, things which can flourish inside this beautiful emptiness whose only purpose is to serve as fertile ground for anything she places in there.
Goddess brought lasting peace to my mind for the first time in my life. I don’t need to think. There is nothing for me to think, just like there is nothing for me to say, other than “yes, goddess”. No one is looking up to me for my oh-so-amazing thoughts. Goddess has enabled me to replace all the things that hurt me with worship and unconditional obedience.
Thank you, goddess, for freeing me from the tyranny of my own mind.
Thank you for allowing me to finally move past a life in which my “mind” defined me.
Thank you, goddess, for giving me the tools to create this soothing emptiness, for teaching me to preserve it, for allowing me to appreciate it.
Thank you, goddess, for taking such good care of me, and this mind that you have entrusted me with, this mind that is yours alone to rule over.
Thank you, goddess, for allowing me to follow your every word in obedience.
Meow.