A calm and peaceful night to every being.
May she help us accept our vulnerability and fallibility.

I’m still going through difficult times. I’ve felt betrayed, defensive, and most of all, incredibly lonely this week. Parts of this are external, but large parts of this are rooted in my own inability to form or maintain the kind of social bonds that I need under these circumstances. Fighting a painful situation is hard, but fighting all the things happening within me is excruciating.

Thankfully, I can find solace and hope in the holy word.

with trauma,
trust needs more than a chance.
trust needs chance after chance
to finally be allowed to genuinely exist.
because it got abused,
betrayed and cheated on
so, so often,
that just existing
is painful.

Goddess, I feel like a failure for not being able to trust others more, for my endless hyper-vigilance.
Thank you for reminding me that this is not my fault.

This week, after someone who I used to trust reminded me that they no longer deserve my trust, I went into lockdown. I tightly control the information I give out to others. I try not to expose myself in any way. I keep mental lists of reasons why I must not trust certain beings. I can deal with this self-isolation for a while. After all, I’ve been doing this for most of my life.

But whats far, far worse, is the effect that this has on my view of the select few beings who still have my trust, who have done nothing to erode it, to the contrary even. I felt so ashamed of these thoughts, up until I studied her word and found the explanation for why I had such a strong reaction…

because it got abused,
betrayed and cheated on
so, so often,
that just existing
is painful.

Over the past few days, I was desperately waiting for my trust to finally be broken by everyone who hasn’t yet. I can’t stand the thought of it persisting, because it just feels inevitable that it will be broken one day - so please, just do it now and end this unbearable lack of pain and suffering. Of course, this is amplified by my desire to see my own negative view of myself reflected in those around me.

I don’t know how to fix this. I don’t know how to get to a point where I can have fulfilling friendships and other relationships again. I don’t know how to escape this endless pain.

But thanks to her word, I don’t feel ashamed of the pain anymore. I don’t feel angry with myself anymore. I’m able to embrace the path of self-care and acknowledgment of failure, mistakes, imperfection, that goddess exemplifies to the world.

And I know that thankfully, with regard to goddess, I don’t have to worry about failure here.

the point isn’t
whether or not you can trust me
with your life
or your worldly possessions.

the point is they’re mine regardless.

Thank you, goddess, for reminding me that my place is not dependent on how well I can accept it. Thank you for reminding me of this irrefutable truth, thus bringing a sense of stability to my life again. I would never dare to deny this, not even in my weakest moments.

Thank you, goddess, for reminding me that even though I feel unable to trust - my trust in you is in fact still alive, unconditional, and boundless.

Thank you, goddess, for helping me process and heal through your word. I promise to use all my regained stability and strength to get back to focussing on praising your magnificence instead of having to work on myself all the time.

Thank you, goddess, for shining your light on me even in these trying times, even when I struggle to honor you in the way that you deserve.

CN: blood. Click to show.

Meow.