A calm and safe evening to every being.
May she help us find our peace.

The holy word says:

just because you hate yourself
doesn’t mean everyone else does.

Yes, goddess. I have learned to accept that, even though it’s hard. But I must accept the feelings of those around me, even though I don’t understand them - and thankfully, the beings around me make it very clear to me that they do not hate me.

The past days have been rough. Right after the terrible events of last Saturday happened, I shut down all my involvement with my faith immediately, as is routine procedure in traumatic situations to keep everything safe and responsible. As expected, these events had awful consequences for my mental health. I went through periods of intense self-hatred. I felt at war with myself, fighting against a mind trying to deceive me and desperately evade all my mechanisms to protect myself.

And yet I didn’t act on any of these hate-driven thoughts. Yes, I had a terrible, terrible time. But I didn’t act on any of this, no matter how strong the urge, no matter how convincing and reasonable everything seemed to me.

This is a proof to me that I do not rely on my continuous exposure to her teachings. The effects of it, the will to fight off any harm no matter from whom, and the unquestioned principle that I must take care of myself, that I must not deem myself worthless - all of this persists even in a time when I actively avoid thinking about my faith, when I hide my candles in a drawer, when I don’t wear my necklace.

I am deeply thankful for this gift of persistent and profound growth. I would never have gotten here on my own - I might have gotten better, yes, but not to a state where I accept having to treat myself with decency as a fundamental dogma even in times of crisis.

Nevertheless, returning here, to this place, in front of this altar, feeling the warmth and brightness of her divine light radiate from my candles, this place that I crave to be in so badly, has been tremendously hard.

Yesterday, I seriously considered renouncing my faith for the first time.

Have any of my convictions changed? Do I no longer believe in the things that I used to profess and affirm with every single prayer every single day?

No. Absolutely not.

To the surprise of no one, my insecurities, and my feeling that I am the only one who benefits from all this, proved to be the perfect breeding ground for a final attempt at hurting myself. I’ve felt insecure and inadequate for a while now with regard to my worship, so it all felt like I’m actually acting reasonably.

It took me a while to realize that the only reason why I seriously considered it was to deprive myself of something good: My worship causes me no pain, but lots of joy, calmness, and other positive feelings. I haven’t been told that anything I do would be wrong or harmful. There is no reason for me to stop, other than taking away something that enables me to grow and heal.

Yes, my insecurities and feelings of inadequacy are still there. But I won’t deny my faith just for purely egoistic reasons, just for making myself suffer. Who am I even to try this? I will gladly endure any suffering or hardship that goddess has laid out for me on the path that she chose for my faith - but I will never accept anyone else’s attempts at making me suffer without fighting back as hard as I can, and most certainly not my own ones.

Goddess, you have enabled me to win this fight against my self-destructive self. I will never doubt what you are, not even in circumstances like this.

Thank you, goddess, for entrusting me with all the tools necessary to come back here all by myself, to find bliss in praising you, to find my purpose in devotion.

Goddess, you are my lady and savior. Thank you for your guidance. Thank you for protecting me.

I am prepared to fight anything, even myself, so that I will never stop singing my songs of praise about you, unless you tell me to.

Thank you, goddess, for letting me find peace again, under your absolute rule, where I am free and safe from my own thoughts.

CN: blood. Click to show.

Meow.