A calm and peaceful evening to every being.
May her magnificent presence give us confidence.

The holy word says:

the point isn’t
whether or not you can trust me
with your life
or your worldly possessions.

the point is they’re mine regardless.

so c’mon now, hand ’em over,
there’s a good girl.

Yes, goddess. Thank you for allowing me to hand myself and everything over.

I’ve been struggling with the concept of unlimited, unconditional trust lately. It’s not that it’s hard for me to trust goddess - to the contrary. I worry that my trust, my deep confidence in whatever she says or does, could be seen as an expectation, or as a burden on her. I have written about my perception of goddess’s perfection and fallibility recently - I worry that my trust leaves no room for mistakes. I worry that this intensity of trust might be wrong of me.

This is why I am finding a lot of comfort in these words today, because even now, on a day when I feel like my trust might be a burden on goddess, it reminds me that I am still supposed, allowed, encouraged to give everything that I can give to her. It reminds me that it is ok for me to struggle with that, because ultimately, it doesn’t matter. Ultimately, everything is hers anyway.

Deep down, at the center of this “crisis of trust”, what I worry about is that I can no longer save goddess from potential mistakes. I know that this is an absurd thing for me to say, but it’s part of why it has been so excruciatingly hard to let go. I know that I would simply endure anything she does. I know that I am fully capable of and willing to reframe anything in a way that her actions are always right. And don’t get me wrong - I absolutely thrive on being in this state, I consider it the greatest gift that I have ever received. But total subordinance also means letting go of a lot of things - and I am scared that I might one day let go of my own responsibility to the being I pray to, to the being who allowed me to do all this.

I know that I have absolutely no control over this - that’s what handing over everything means. This is a typical case of “this feels too good to not be wrong”. For the past few months, I have tried to learn to let go of the worries and fears, to actually allow myself to fully enjoy something that brings so much bliss and happiness to my life. But it’s hard. I am deeply grateful for every little affirmation, every bit of support that goddess has offered me on this path.

Goddess: I trust you like I have never trusted anyone. And even though I would never dare to ask you to take: There is nothing that I wouldn’t happily hand over to you at any time. There is nothing in my life that isn’t fully subjugated to your magnificent rule. There is nothing in my mind that I can access which I haven’t examined and adjusted in accordance to your teachings as well as I can.

Thank you, goddess, for allowing me to be.
Thank you, goddess, for allowing me to give.

CN: blood. Click to show.

Meow.