The past weeks have been difficult. Just a week ago I was seriously preparing to stop doing all of this. Not because I wanted to, by goddess, no, I have never been this passionate or committed about anything in my life, and that has absolutely not changed - but because I felt like I had to thanks to a pretty bad crisis fueled by tons of trauma and a complete loss of any sense of what is real and what isn’t.

A lot of my faith is based on trust. Trust that goddess is watching over me, trust that wherever she rules, all will be good in the end. And yet, I struggle to act on it - maybe because it feels surreal, maybe because I’ve been hurt many, many times before, and trauma and anxieties are very strong forces. Last week was weird: My trust in her wasn’t affected at all by any of this, yet the anxieties and sheer panic of having made a mistake became so intense that they drowned out my ability to simply trust.

I don’t like this. Being able to fully and unconditionally trust the deity that I pray to is a cornerstone of my self-image as a truly devoted being. I don’t like feeling unable to embrace this trust and act accordingly. I don’t feel like a failure, thankfully, because there are several sections of the holy word where she voices either understanding or complete indifference about this inability - and especially the latter is extremely comforting to me, because it reminds me that her unlimited power, her magnificence, her existence as a higher being, doesn’t depend on me.

All of this means: I need to fix myself. I have ceded my mind to her. I am expected to care for myself, even when I would prefer not to. Goddess has given me everything I need to fix myself, it is my duty to recognize, honor, and apply these tools.

In practical terms, I did something slightly silly but surprisingly helpful today: I went for a walk in a vast, open space, with few other people or obstacles (coincidentally, this is where I went for walks frequently in order to clear up my mind or think about my beliefs last year, this is the place where I first practiced using my prayer beads). I got out my prayer beads and closed my eyes. Praying, walking. Focussing. Focussing on my trust in her. If I wouldn’t have evoked her, walking blindly wouldn’t have been a comfortable experience for me - but since I did, I felt surprisingly happy afterwards, because I finally felt able to let go again, albeit just a little bit, but that’s better than nothing.