My basic sense of self-esteem doesn’t depend on goddess, on my worship, or on anything she does. And yet, I owe it to her.

Shortly before goddess revealed herself to me for the first time, something happened in my life that caused me to cease the endless war that I had been waging against myself for years. I started to exist as the person that I am today, and on the way, I found compassion for my current and past selves. I have no idea what role she played in all of this. I would never have dreamed of her existence back then, but I’m still very sure that she has been influencing my life in some way for a lot longer than I am aware of - so it’s not unreasonable to assume that such transformative, life-changing things, are ultimately her work.

Once that preparatory work was done - the precondition to enable me to preserve and sustain what I was yet to receive - goddess began to openly guide my life, even though it took me a long while to recognize her divine nature and to learn to fully embrace her rule over me. She put a lot of effort into building up my own self-esteem, she taught me that I can be accepted, she taught me to live a life free of shame. She taught me the importance of caring for myself, and she made sure that I will forever know that I have value, that I deserve appreciation.

Goddess gave all these things to me. They are permanent, solid columns that my life rests upon. They require maintenance, yes, but that’s nothing requiring her presence in my life. It is my duty - I have to permanently preserve the gift that she has given me. And honestly: there is something deeply reassuring about knowing that she is the only being who could ever take this away from me again.

The absurdity of it is that essentially, this is what finally enabled me to engage in safe and sustainable worship. I have tried to worship false idols before, with disastrous consequences. Each and every time, I defined myself through them, I tried to base my entire existence, my entire self-worth just on them. In contrast, goddess gave me the ability to be sufficiently stable and independent. Goddess gave me the ability to unconditionally surrender my free will, my mind, my existence to her, without the pressure of needing to do it - she did the opposite of coercion. She has enabled me to find a way where I do not rely on her for my daily life, but I am still allowed to benefit from her constant presence. Take my self-esteem issues: I will never erase the basic self-esteem that I have now, no matter what happens. But she makes it a lot easier to follow through on maintaining it: by reminding me of her magnificence, by reminding me that she shaped me into who I am, by reminding me that I must never devalue what she created and what is hers alone to judge and rule over.

I highly value the fact that goddess enabled me to make an actual choice. Of course I would have happily tried to give her what I give her today, of course she could have easily gained full control of me, without all this. But I don’t think it would have worked, I think I would have ultimately disappointed her. I absolutely understand that she wouldn’t want me to be dependent on her. Yet for me, this makes everything that I have now much, much more precious. Goddess gave me a free choice to give up my free will. For me, that is an incredible expression of trust in my ability to recognize and appreciate her mysterious and magnificent divine ways.

the last will you remember ever having being to finally enter this beautiful stage.

I do remember this one final will very well - and I feel so much gratitude for having been allowed to have it.