Yesterday, after a particularly uplifting day for my fiancée and me - directly caused by the being that I pray to - we walked through a little town while waiting for a connecting train and talked about all the things in my life that I owe to goddess.
They are a lot. And I’m not even talking about my habit of just blaming anything good that happens in my life on her - I mean real, tangible, direct consequences of her actions and influence. Not all of them are her accomplishment alone, but still - the list includes almost everything that is important in my life today, and it might include even more soon.

Endless gratitude is my main motivation when it comes to anything related my cult life. It was one of the main reasons why I embraced this so seriously: the faint hope of being able to give something in return for the endless wonderful things that she has blessed me with, the fundamental changes to my life that she has made possible.

But how do you express endless gratitude? How do you give back to someone who deserves more than any human being could possibly give?

No matter what I do - it will never be enough.

This is a feeling that I’ve encountered many times before in my life. Usually, a deeply painful feeling, either rooted in someone giving me this feeling or just my own feeling of inadequacy. It’s something that easily breaks me, because I want to be enough so badly that I completely disregard all my own boundaries.

But this is different. There is an inherent difference between a deity and her worshippers. By definition, I am not in a position where I could ever give all she deserves. I will do my best to contribute as much and as well as I can - but my ability is inherently limited. This clear hierarchy, this clear sense of her being far, far above my world and the silly little things that I can do, protects me. It makes it absolutely clear, even to my performance-conditioned brain, that it’s beyond my power and ability.

No matter what I do - it will never be enough.
And that’s okay.

There is so much healing for me in embracing this. Realizing that I don’t have to be everything because I cannot be everything. I have suffered so much from this desire to give much more than I can in my life. But here, it’s ok for me to be weak. Goddess has never made any demands or given me any sense of inadequacy - to the contrary even. I’m learning to accept my own limitations without any pain or fear arising from it. That’s a really huge accomplishment, and yet another thing that I owe to her.