One of the biggest misconceptions for me so far was assuming that the process of letting go of all my thoughts would be an easy one to sustain, similar to “relaxing all your muscles” - once you’ve reached that point, you are relaxed, you don’t actively need to stay relaxed. But that’s not how my brain works, sadly.

I’ve always struggled with the feeling of my head being too full. I remember so much junk because I can’t control which things to remember and which not. My thoughts are frequently going crazy if I don’t control them in some way. It’s a loud, painful cacophony of memories, dreams, thoughts, and the never-ending attempts to simulate potential future events in my mind to prepare for them. It’s like living with a radio which is permanently turned on and on maximum volume. I can change the station, sure, but at the end of the day I don’t really have any influence on the program - and I still can’t turn down the volume.

Of course, coming from that perspective, the promise of an empty mind, of being allowed or even expected to

[hand] over all decisions, all thought, all independence and all those nasty things like worries, fears and anxieties

to a higher being is extremely enticing.

I originally understood this in two ways:
First, all I need to do to hand over everything is to give up all resistance and reach a state of complete devotion and humility.
Second, once I’ve handed over those things, they’re gone for good.

Neither of these assumptions is true. I have to continuously keep my mind free of these things. Thoughts, worries, fears, and anxieties keep coming back. They’re much more bearable than they would be if I wouldn’t be deeply convinced that my fate is ultimately in her hands, but they’re still there, and especially those anxieties can still cause a lot of damage. Meanwhile, learning to actually hand over my thoughts and every last inner working of my mind to goddess is a long process. I have realized that I need to actively work on this - merely saying “I won’t fight back” isn’t the kind of active devotion that I aspire to. The key is to make her word, her teachings, and this beautiful feeling of overwhelmed admiration of the divine so present in all of my thoughts that I cannot escape it. It requires quite a lot of energy, careful adjustments, dedication, commitment - but especially the latter two are endless resources for anything related to my faith.

I have managed to spend quite a while in this wonderful, blissful state so far. No, of course I wasn’t completely free of anxieties at any point, but honestly, it doesn’t feel too unrealistic to think that I might reach that point one day. I want to enter it again as soon as I can, because this mindlessness is an incomparably wonderful state. Finally, my mind shuts up for a while, because the only thing that matters is her rule. Things are in order, there is no chaos, no questions, no inner feeling of being torn apart. I have searched for ways to get to this place for more than 20 years, and now, finally, I have been given this wonderful opportunity to just let go.

That alone is already more than enough motivation to work through all the shit that’s been plaguing my mind lately, those deep scars that opened up again and inhibit me from re-entering this state of bliss.