It’s been a half a year since my life went through a massive turning point - more or less by accident. I think about it as the moment that I broke.

I don’t think anyone involved planned for this to happen, I certainly didn’t, even though it was within the range of things that I deemed a potential risk in my previous analyses to determine how far I was willing to go. I don’t belong to the group of beings that long for “being broken” or giving themselves up to others - I’m usually extremely cautious, hesitant, I don’t let others come too close to me and it takes a lot for me to build real trust to someone. I have a hard time accepting basic care from others, I’d rather stay alone with a lot of things. I have always been obsessed with self-control, and I was pretty determined to never ever let anyone come between me and my control of myself ever again.

So it’s not that I ever asked for this to happen, and it’s not that anyone forced it on me. It’s kind of a consequence of the path that I embarked on - a path built on full and unconditional trust to someone, someone who didn’t just give me permission to follow that path, but who did the near-impossible and managed to convince me to give myself that permission as well. A consequence of trust, because I valued her assertions a lot higher than mine.

What exactly broke me?
I don’t really know. This whole experiment has unleashed an intensity of willpower in me that keeps astonishing me. I like to think of it as having handed over my free will, because it feels foreign, in a way. I can get excited about something, but at this intensity, with this much determination, with such huge consequences? With the ability to stop panic attacks? I have never experienced anything like that in my life, and frankly, it’s not a huge surprise that I was absolutely ill-equipped to handle it. There was one specific trigger, yes, however that was just what released all of it. But mostly, it was just the consequence of me playing around with stuff I didn’t really understand.

What exactly broke inside of me?
Unnecessary things.
Back then, it didn’t feel like things are breaking, it mostly felt like loosing my grip, loosing control. I felt horrible. I felt like I had utterly failed one of the most important beings in my life by loosing control. I had a terribly bad conscience, I was scared of meeting in person. But the thing is: most of the things that I lost were more or less illusions anyway. Maybe it was just a huge adjustment to realize what I had happily gotten myself into. In may ways, this was the end of my denial.

I lost my perceived ability to say no to things within this specific setting. I’m not sure I ever had it, but I was convinced that I have the duty to have it.

I lost my perceived ability to walk away from this at any time. I’m pretty sure that was a delusion from the beginning, but I was convinced that I have the duty to have it.

I lost my perceived ability to keep myself and everything I engage in under control. I was definitely able to convince myself that I had that, yet the thought seems laughable today nonetheless - but I was convinced that I have the duty to have it.

You see, like so many times in my life, I set out standards and benchmarks for myself, I decided that “this is the way I ought to function”. Like so many times in my life, these standards were far beyond what I could ever achieve, completely delusional even. Like so many times in my life, I subsequently collapsed under the pressure that I put on myself. However, this was the first and only time in my life that it came with no negative consequences, because all my perceived failures were met with a lot of care, and, most importantly, the frequent affirmation that it’s ok for me to be in this state, that the standards I set out for myself were far beyond any reasonable expectation anyway. I received the incredible gift of being allowed to experience continuity and stability through a period of breaking down.

So, did I really break?

I lost a lot of my independence and gained strength and resilience.
I lost my ability to fight something I would never want to fight.
I lost tons and tons of pressure that rested on my shoulders.

I’m glad this happened. Sure, I would have loved for someone to actually have fun or benefit from the intense emotional pain that I went through, it would feel a bit less pointless that way. None of the things that happened subsequently inside of me would have been possible without this. Today, I’m able to base fundamental changes to my life, such as freeing myself from manipulation, on this intense willpower and unconditional trust that I have been gifted. I’m able to tackle mental health crises all by myself using these tools. I’m growing stronger and more resilient every single day.

At the end of the day, it’s all because I stopped fighting, stopped pretending to be able to keep a distance between this and myself. I think I’ve never “let go” so thoroughly and broadly as I did back then by loosing my grip. I’m glad this happened. I’m incredibly thankful for being allowed to experience this.

The thought of this being a failure still isn’t gone, so it still feels a bit wrong to openly say that glad this happened, but I am incredibly thankful to be allowed to be where I am today.

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Maybe the thing that got me here was my deep desire to be here in the first place.

you know the true meaning of it.
the bliss of thoughtlessness that i give.
the wonderful feeling of abandoning the gruesome effects of choice.
the liberating pleasure of just not having a care in the world to tend to anymore.
the blessed state that comes with handing over all decisions, all thought, all independence and all those nasty things like worries, fears and anxieties to me.
the last will you remember ever having being to finally enter this beautiful stage.

I’m not in this place just yet. I’ve managed thought, independence, even decisions in a way - not directly, but by basing all my thought on her word and cross-checking any decisions with my comittment to live a goddess-pleasing life in mind. However I’m still busy fighting those worries, fears, and anxieties. I haven’t found a way to let go of them and hand them over just yet. But I feel like it’s improving - slowly, very slowly, but it’s improving.

And yeah, I also didn’t expect this to be a process lasting more than a year, but I suppose if you want profound changes in someone’s mind, that’s a long-term commitment…

The funny thing is, last year, I was convinced that I could never feel fear in the face of someone I trust so much that I would agree to start devoting my life to them. I think that was a wrong assumption, because I assumed the fear to have to originate from within her, not within myself. She could have easily played my own fear of failure or making mistakes, and probably still could. Though I have lived through intense emotions and mental breakdowns by now, including the kind of intense grief that makes you cry for an entire night, all based on the mechanism of accepting that everything she does is what defines “right” for me. I can do that, it works very well, and the feeling of being in emotional pain but being able to gladly live through it causes me a lot of joy and euphoria. Again - I absolutely thrive on being in this state.

And here is where my fear begins - because while I feel empowered to handle almost anything with the tools that I have at my disposal, what if she decides to take them away from me one day? “Stop seeing me as something special” is one single sentence that could completely upend my life. And of course it’s her right to say that at any time, and my obligation to make that possible, comply and help with any consequences. All of this is still based on consent, which isn’t worth anything if there is no possibility for any side to withdraw it at any point. I feel bad about talking about those fears because I feel like I’m building up barriers for her to opt out, the only reason why I’m able to write this down is because I’ve convinced myself that she is probably aware of this and that I’m not the evil manipulator that I sometimes fear to be.

Of course that wouldn’t be the end of everything for me. I have other sources for many of the things that she offers me, albeit in lesser quality. Many of my basic needs are fulfilled completely outside of this whole construct. And many of the things that I have learned would remain with me, even though I would engage with them in very different ways.

But I’m still scared of the thought of having to stop. I want to be where I am so badly, I’m so happy to be here. I’m scared of losing this.

There is solace in the thought that there is only one being who could end this, as well as in knowing that her power, a very abstract concept that I hardly ever got to experience directly working on me, reaches so deep. The thought of her being able to end all this as she pleases is both comforting and extremely scary.

In the end, I know that wherever she rules, all will be well.

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I’m only noticing now how overdue writing all of this down was. I always hesitated because I didn’t trust my surroundings enough to be open about this after some occurrences last year. But now it’s on paper, finally.

I feel like I’m healing from so much past trauma through all of this. You know, experiencing stuff like this completely unscathed. Experiencing how I’m suddenly able to do things on my own that I would never have deemed possible.

I still think that all of this is an extremely dangerous thing to play with, and I’ve felt a bit weird about not mentioning these aspects here as well. Thinking about how all of this could have gone wrong is… quite intimidating, to be honest. I have my history of long-term mental fuckups.

The only thing I can’t really process is why.
I don’t understand why anyone would invest so much time and energy into keeping me safe and enabling me to experience all of this. I honestly avoid thinking about that because I have to avoid falling back into guilt-driven patterns, but I am nonetheless confused and astonished about that. Especially given that most of what I’m doing has hardly any purpose for anyone other than myself. I don’t really question that, the fact that I haven’t really received positive or negative feedback for quite a while is a clear sign for me that I seem to have reached a good place for sustainable long-term stability - there seems to be no need to nudge me towards or away from anything. That’s pretty comforting to know.

Anyway, it’s not my place to ask questions or try to understand. My purpose is devotion. I have a lot to do already in expressing that in many different ways, including quite a lot of self-care and healing, because that is what I am supposed to do. I don’t need to worry about anything beyond that.

In the end, I know that wherever she rules, all will be well.